Odd Jobs
by NellieTodd
Summary: Mrs. Lovett working in Dunkin Donuts? Sweeney working as a doctor's assitant? What if all the characters took various jobs? Rated T fr language...may change...
1. Chapter 1 Mrs Lovett

**Hello my dearies! While sittting in Spanish class, my teacher gave us all Munchkins! (Nos encanta Ud., Sra. K!) and i thought "What if Mrs. Lovett worked in Dunkin Donuts?" i ran the idea by my friend, who i then kept exchaning ideas with, placing each character in a strange job! enjoy!**

**i dont own sweeeny todd...or dunkin donuts...that sucks...**

Chapter one:

Mrs. Lovett sipped her French vanilla latte, biding her time, minding her own business. This part of the day was pretty mellow. It was rush hour and no one could really get off the roads to come into the shop.

She stood up slightly and adjusted the pants she'd "borrowed" from Sweeney before sitting back down. Her employee uniform required a pair of pants and of course her Dunkin Donuts shirt and baseball cap, which she was barely able to squeeze on top of her wild curls. This uniform was all too different from the comfortable feeling of the gowns she was so accustomed to wearing, as well as having nothing on her head but her hair itself.

Her latte was running low and she could taste the sugar. There was too much. Drat, she was still putting in too much sugar! She couldn't afford many more screw-ups, for her boss was an up-tight "everything must be perfect, and every single tiny microscopic little thing must go according to plan!" type of guy.** (Corpse Bride, anybody?)**

She looked at the door marked for employees only. It was closed tight and no one was coming out. Perhaps she could sneak in one more "experimental" latte…

Mrs. Lovett got to her feet quickly and easily, thanks to her pants. She tip-toed to the coffee dispenser, put the used cup under the tab and allowed the hot coffee to flow freely.

"LOVETT!" barked Mr. Lester, her boss. Mrs. Lovett startled, banged her head on the coffee dispenser, and spilled her latte, luckily being able to duck out of the way to avoid getting anything on herself.

She gripped the counter for support as she eyed the mess on the floor. Her focus shifted to her boss, who didn't look pleased. He marched to the storage closet, grabbed a mop and marched back to her. He then grabbed her wrist and thrust the mop into her hand.

"Clean this up!" And he walked away as Mrs. Lovett began to mop up, muttering to herself about how demeaning he was being; acting as if she didn't know what a mop was used for!

The door to the coffee shop opened.

"Make it snappy, Lovett! You've got a customer!" Mr. Lester yelled.

Mrs. Lovett made haste of the cleaning, and then turned to the customer- a more-then-chubby man who had greasy hair and had to be in his late 40's. He was also wearing a t-shirt that read "I fuck on the first date"

The baker swallowed her pride and said. "Welcome to Dunkin Donuts. May I 'elp you?"

"Yes." The man replied in a pinched-nose voice. "I'll take two donuts with sprinkles, and an iced cappuccino, please."

_Well 'e doesn't smell pleasant, but at least 'e's got good manners! _Mrs. Lovett thought as she punched the order in on the cash register. "Coming right up, sir!"

In a mere forty seconds, Mrs. Lovett had the cappuccino ready as well as the donuts. She handed them to the customer.

"You know, you're kinda pretty!" the customer said. "And you have a hot accent!"

Mrs. Lovett rolled her eyes. How she wished Sweeney could take this guy out with the razor right now…

The guy leaned on the counter, chin in hand, attempting to look good. "Tell me, sweet stuff… you got a boyfriend?"

She was about to respond when the door opened once more. "Yes she does!" Sweeney Todd stood in the doorway, dressed in a doctor's coat.

Mrs. Lovett's eyes filled with relief. She dared not to laugh as Sweeney approached the customer, looking him dead in the face.

"You're not 'itting on _my _Nellie, are you?" Sweeney asked in his grave tone of voice. The customer cowered in fear before rushing out from the shop without a word, leaving his donuts behind.

Mrs. Lovett laughed wildly. When her laughter died down, she looked at her tenant. "You're not really me boyfriend, are ya?"

Sweeney shook his head. "No. I was just lucky to get in 'ere during my break at the 'ospital. I'll take that guy's donuts, please."

The baker chuckled as she handed him the bag. "'ow's that bloody job going, anyhow?"

"'Orrible. I've got another doctor there who thinks that just because 'e also 'as an accent like mine, 'e's better!"

"Well, that's just not right! You should go in and set things straight! Lay it on the line! You're Sweeney Todd, and you're not only the best barber and doctor, but the best British-speaking guy to ever walk the planet!"

"You're right, Mrs. Lovett! You're right! I'm going to do just that!" Sweeney grabbed the donut bag and walked out.

Mrs. Lovett looked after him with love in her eyes. That's when Mr. Lester came out.

"Did that man just leave without paying?" Mrs. Lovett spun around and looked at him.

"I…I…"

"And you let him leave! That's the last straw! Nellie Lovett, you're fired! Turn in your shirt and hat and get your fat ass out!" he walked into the back room and slammed the door.

Mrs. Lovett scowled. _Me arse isn't fat! Don't matter..'ated this job anyhow, I did…_

She was just about to go to the back room to get her street clothes back, when Sweeney came back through the door.

"Just out of curiosity, Mrs. Lovett…" Sweeney asked. "Why are you wearing my pants?"

**Just the first chapter of a silly crackfic. dont worry, i will continue my others as well! keep watch!**


	2. Chapter 2 Sweeney Todd

**note: I am not a doctor. I am not good with all the medical stuff. It took a lot of me to write this chapter, so don't hurt me. **

*HOUSE EPISODE REFERENCED: House Divided (season 5)

Sweeney finished the last of his donuts as he looked around the office he was sitting in. Man, this doctor had it cut out for him. Snooping around, Sweeney opened the desk drawer he found a bottle of Vicodin as well as a white board marker. It was then that he spied a white board in the room. Smiling to himself he went to it and wrote, "Dr. Todd wasn't here!" and he added a smile face to play it up.

"What are you doing in my office?" came a monotone voice from behind him. Sweeney spun around to find that the voice belonged to a certain Dr. House, who was standing in the doorway. The man looked over at the white board, then back at Sweeney. "You're not a doctor yet, Mr. Intern…" He went and sat down at his desk.

Sweeney raised his eyebrows. "You don't 'ave to pretend any longer…I know you're true accent…"

Dr. House stood up again, leaning on his desk so he could use his cane as a threat. This time, he spoke in a thick British accent. "Listen, you may 'ave been around since the 1800's, but I've been top dog 'ere for six seasons! The bloody show is named after me! You can't take me place as 'ead doctor!"

"Just watch me...I'm way more 'andsome than you are…and more resourceful…" Sweeney went up to doctor, looking him straight in the face. They matched in height. For a long, quiet moment, they exchanged death stares. In fact, if it wasn't for loud shouting, doctors rushing towards it, and Dr. Cameron poking her head into the room, they would've stood there for all eternity.

"I hate to break up this little friendly meeting," she said sarcastically. "But your patient ripped out his cochlear implant." she then walked away.

House sighed and headed for the door. "Little bastard. What, he likes having cancer?"

Sweeney followed the doctor to a room of a teenage boy, being restrained in bed by the nurses, some of them trying to clean him up after he ripped out the cochlear.

The barber looked at the scene, his expression remaining as unchanged as House's. Finally, to everyone's shock, he took out his razor and pointed it at the boy. Forgetting that the kid was deaf, he talked in a grave tone.

"Listen. These are people trying to 'elp you. If you don't let them do their jobs, then you can end up very, very, 'urt. Understand?"

Silence filled the room. Dr. Cuddy was the one who spoke up.

"He's deaf, Todd." she said simply.

The boy looked at his mother for help. She reluctantly translated for him in sign language, and the boys eyes grew wider. He looked at Sweeney and nodded in response.

"Good." He put away his razor.

The mother jumped to her feet. "Aren't you people going to do something? This man just threatened my son with a razor! He shouldn't be carrying one in a hospital! Is he even a doctor?"

House put up his hand to silence her. "He's our intern. And though we know he can be quite a handful…" He walked to the graph of Seth's heartbeat. "I believe he just helped us get what we needed."

"I did?" Sweeney asked.

"He did?" the mother asked.

"Duh." House gave an "it's so obvious" look before looking back at the graph. "The arrhythmia was hiding from the test results. We needed to give him a stress-test to really confirm it."

"And would you believe, ma'am that this intern just gave your son the right amount of stress we needed to give him." Dr. Foreman added as he went to exam the thyroid panel. He then looked up at Sweeney. "You may have a full time job on your hands, _Doctor _Todd!"

Sweeney smiled. House looked around at his coworkers.

"Hey, whoa, whoa, hey!" everyone looked at him. "This is _my _show! I'm the only British-talking doctor around on these parts! He just made a move that happened to work!"

"Actually I found the kid's file on your desk." Sweeney admitted. "I figured 'aving a razor pointed at you is a great way to stress one out."

House dropped his American accent. "Why you show-stealing, smart-arse son of a-"

Suddenly, commotion was heard from the hospital lobby. A young girl was being brought in by ambulance. As she was rushed to the ICU, Sweeney noticed a young boy in a lifeguard shirt had accompanied the doctors. When he stepped out into the hallway, he could see that young boy was Anthony.

He went over to him. "Anthony! What's going on?"

"She went down the water slide in a weird way...ended up bonking 'er 'ead. She was nearly unconscious by the time she 'it the water. "

House pushed Sweeney out of the way. "Alright, pretty boy. What'd you do to her?" House asked in his usual as-if-I-really-care tone.

"It wasn't my fault! She was knocked nearly senseless when going down the waterslide."

"Her name?"

"I think 'er friends said 'er name is Amy. I didn't catch the last name. They're on their way 'ere; I think one of them rode in the ambulance with 'er."

"Alright. Get your pretty ass out of here. We'll phone the pool when she comes to."

Anthony nodded, a little weirded out by House's overly calm approach. The doctor turned and went to the ICU to oversee the girl's care.

Sweeney placed a hand on Anthony's shoulder. "Go back to work, son. We've got everything under control 'ere." The boy nodded.

"Thanks Mr. Todd!" He wildly shook his friend's hand before darting out the door.

Sweeney shook his head. This was turning out to be a very strange day. Ah, well he thought. Might as well advertise the show and then get back to work.

He struck a dramatic pose. "House…"

"Road House…" Peter Griffin added, suddenly appeared next to him.

Sweeney sputtered for a moment. "Would you get out?" he finally shouted. Peter backed away slowly as Sweeney went to search House's desk for an aspirin.


	3. Chapter 3 Anthony Hope

**im slow at updating...sue me!**

**no on second thought, DONT!**

**READ REVIEW AND FAV IF U HAVENT!**

CHAPTER THREE:

ANTHONY HOPE

Anthony sighed as he made his way to the pool. He still had that girl on his mind that was flirting with him before injuring herself going down the waterslide wrong. Her name was Amy. She had long red hair that tumbled freely to her waist. They engaged in conversation over music when he heard her humming "The Howling" by Within Temptation as she waited on line for the water slide.

_Gee, and she was cute too…_ he thought sarcastically to himself as he made his way to his lifeguard chair. The boy scrambled into the high chair and placed on his dark shades and looked out over the pool area. That's when he noticed a blonde beauty on the diving boards in a modest light blue bathing suit. He lifted up his shades for a moment to see that this beauty was his fiancée, Johanna.

She steadied herself on the diving board before she took a look around and noticed Anthony was watching her. He gave her a small wave and she smiled. Then, looking straight down, she executed a proper dive into the deep water and came up to the surface.

Anthony applauded her and watched her swim to the ladder. But his attention was soon directed to screams coming from one of the lanes. Apparently a little girl of about five had wandered into waters too deep for her to swim in. He immediately put his beloved in the back of his mind and jumped into the water, swimming to the spot just in time.

The tiny girl clung to him as he swam with her to the ladder, where he helped her up and out of the pool. He soon did the same. She coughed a few times and Anthony carefully whacked her on the back to make sure all the water was out of her lungs. Trying to look her in the eyes, he squatted down.

"Are you alright, sweetie?" he asked calmly. She looked up at him with big brown eyes.

"I'm ok. Thank you for saving my life." The sailor smiled as he stood back up.

"Where's your mommy?"

"Oh, I'm here with my big sister." She put a piece of her brown hair into her mouth and began to suck on it. It was then that Anthony noticed a group of four teenage girls running over from the snack bar.

"'ey, no running in the pool area!" Anthony warned. But the girls didn't seem to hear him as they went to the little girl. One of them, who looked just like the girl, only a lot older, enveloped her in her arms. Anthony suspected this must be her older sister.

"Diana! Are you ok?" the girl panted, wringing out her sister's dark chocolate hair. "I told you to stay in the shallow end!"

Anthony stepped forward. "Excuse me, ma'am…"

"Leena." the girl corrected, smiling.

The sailor cleared his throat. "You should've 'ad at least one of you watching 'er."

Leena giggled. "Oh, but isn't that what you hunky lifeguards are for?" His cheeks turned a bright pink and her hand toyed with his hair.

"Anthony, 'oney, who's this?"

The group spun around to see Johanna, her hair dripping wet, a towel tossed over her shoulder. Anthony's cheeks turned from a light pink to a dark red as he cleared his throat once more.

"Johanna…this is…Leena…and 'er friends, I just…rescued 'er little sister…Leena, this is Johanna, my fiancée, and-"

"You saved this little girl's life?" Johanna cooed, her voice shooting up three octaves. She put her arms around him and kissed him, caressing his cheek. Slowly she pulled away. "That's my man…"

Anthony felt like his was getting dizzy. Normally Johanna didn't act this overly lovie-dovie, but when it came to keeping her lover by her side, she was very passionate.

The sailor's eyes appeared to be spinning. "Well…I suppose I should…get back to my post…good day, now!" He walked in an unsteady path back to his lifeguard chair and ended up banging into it before dizzily stumbling up the ladder and into his seat.

Johanna grinned, satisfied with herself as she skipped off the snack bar herself. Quietly Leena picked up her sister and signaled her friends to follow her. She was going to have a little talk with this Johanna girl…

"One cherry soda, please." Johanna opened her wallet and got her money ready as the guy behind the counter went to prepare her drink. As she waited she hummed a song while drumming her fingers along to it. She was so distracted by her song that when Leena came up behind her she jumped.

"Look Blondie, we need to talk!" the bikini-clad Leena snapped.

Johanna giggled as the guy behind the counter handed her soda and she gave him the money for it. "Um, no we don't!" She wasn't stupid; she knew this girl wanted Anthony.

"Oh yes we do! It's obvious this guy's got his eyes on the both of us-" Johanna had been sipping her soda at that moment and spit it out at Leena's words before bursting out laughing. Leena didn't look pleased as she finished her drink. "- and we need to settle this…"

The blond managed to contain herself for a moment. "You seem to be very confused! Anthony loves me! We're engaged!"

Leena came closer and chummily smiled. "Ah, yes he loves you…_now_...you're engaged…._now_…but who's to say with all the women he sees at his job everyday…that he won't find someone …better?"

For a moment, Johanna considered Leena's words, looking over her shoulder at Anthony, tanning in his lifeguard chair. Then she shook her head mentally scolding herself for even thinking about it.

"You're wrong!" she snapped. Leena's face turned sour.

"I'm going to prove to you that men can and will change in a moment!" She glared daggers at the blond. "You, me, diving contest in 15 minutes! One chance each!"

Johanna cocked her head. "Isn't that not only not going to prove anything, but incredibly cliché?"

Leena scoffed, rolling her eyes. "Yes, but if something doesn't happen this chapter's totally pointless…"

"True…ok you're on!"

Fifteen minutes later, the girls were positioned on twin white diving boards. a crowd had gathered around them, including Anthony who had taken a seat in the chair by that pool.

Leena went first, taking a few steps back before running forward, leaping off the board, managing a double flip before landing in the water with perfect form. Anthony watched with great interest. The crowd cheered as she surfaced and swam to the ladder. As she made her way out, she glanced over her shoulder at Johanna, who was still awaiting her turn.

"Alright, Blondie! Let's see it!"

Johanna nodded slightly as she went over her dive in her head. She knew she could pull off a triple, but the thought of her missing made her nervous. Before she could stop herself she glanced up Anthony, who was anxiously awaiting her dive. She felt her stomach turn upside-down as all her thoughts flooded back to her mind at once.

_What if Leena's right after all? What if he'd be happier with her?_ Johanna gulped as her legs began to feel wobbly. She took the few steps to get the edge but ended up tripping on her own feet and landing on her back in the water.

The crowd gasped. Anthony leapt into the water before anyone could move a muscle.

Johanna couldn't move. She felt paralyzed for the moment. The water hindered her sight and there was already water in her lungs. She was _drowning! _The thought hit her like a ton of bricks! Quickly she tried to get Anthony's picture in her mind; she'd want him to be her last thought. Right before she blacked out she felt strong arms pulling her to the surface….

The next thing she knew she saw Anthony kneeling by her side after he'd performed CPR on her. She was now on her back, staring up at him and the crowd that had gotten bigger. Slowly and carefully Anthony helped her sit up.

"Are you alright, Johanna?" he asked. She looked him in the eyes, and kissed him passionately. The crowd "awed" and applauded.

When they broke the kiss, Anthony smiled. "Come…let's get you home so you can be ready for your job tomorrow!" He scooped her into his arms and walked with her to the pool's entrance, passing a shocked and upset Leena in the process. Her cliché plan was brought to a cliché failure as Johanna was carried into a cliché setting sun.

The Cliché End!

(of this chapter at least!)


	4. Chapter 4 Johanna Barker

**I'm in a writing mood today, so you actually might see more coming at you! Please review this one, you're gonna love the next one!**

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CHAPTER 4

JOHANNA BARKER

Anthony dropped Johanna off at the mall to start her new job- at the pet store.

She got out the car and kissed her love goodbye before eyeing the mall's large building. It made her feel so small and out of place.

Inhaling deeply, she drummed up the courage to go inside.

The mall was like nothing she'd had ever seen before! When she had gone for her interview it was near closing time and it was virtually empty, but now it was the beginning of the day and people were bustling around, some with bags on their arms, others chatting wildly on cell phones. Some little children were looking impatiently towards the candy and toy shops while their mothers were doing their own shopping and others still were giggling as they played around at the Pillow Pet stand.

Johanna felt dizzy. She wasn't even sure which way she had to go!

With a sigh, she went up to an older gentleman and tapped his shoulder. "Excuse me sir, I was wondering if you could point me towards-" She stopped short when the gentleman looked at her. His short gray hair, expressionless face and tall body reminded her so much of the horrid Judge Turpin, whom had wanted to marry her when she was only fifteen!

Her eyes grew wide as she uttered a frightened, "Never mind…" and scurried away. The gentleman just shrugged and muttered, "Youth today…" before returning to his shopping.

Johanna ran until she tripped over her own feet and nearly fell face first into a directory. Immediately she spotted the big, obnoxious, YOU ARE HERE sticker. Putting her finger on that, she then searched the list of stores for the pet shop. When she found it and the number next to it, she subsequently found the number on the map- and discovered the pet shop was right behind her, and it was right near the entrance where Anthony had dropped her off. Her legs throbbing from running, she walked inside.

"Hello, Justine." grumbled the woman behind the counter. She had long, dark, greasy hair that was pulled up in a bun, a stern face and a chest that one could only imagine how it got to be the way it was.

"Um, my name's Johanna, remember?" Johanna said with a giggled. The woman's expression didn't change.

"You're late." she scoffed.

"I'm sorry I had a little trouble finding the place!" The woman just stood up.

"Whatever. Just go into the back. Some dog managed to poop outside his cage an hour ago."

Johanna cocked her head to the side. "Why didn't you clean it up if it was an hour ago?"

"I was on break. Which reminds me; time for my other break." She walked past Johanna without a glance and left the store. The blond shook her head as she made her way to the back. Sure enough there was a lump of doggy-do on the floor. She glanced at the cage it had obviously come from. The dog inside, a tiny Pomeranian, shied away with a whimper. With a heavy heart, she reached up and stuck her fingers through the bars. The dog sniffed them before he licked them.

"Hey there, puppy!" Johanna said softy. "You're such a cute little dog! Yes you are!" Suddenly she remembered the piled of poop on the floor and ran to get a pooper-scooper and a mop. The Pomeranian watched her eagerly as she cleaned up his "accident".

Once that was done, she looked at the tiny dog once more. It looked back at her with wide eyes. Johanna looked around both ways before making her way towards the cage and reaching to unlock it.

"I don't think some time out would hurt." she muttered, taking the animal into her arms. Taking it into the main part of the shop, where some customers had begun to congregate, she set up a small metal pen for the dog to run around in while she tended to the other dogs. Of course, most of the customers rushed over to pet the tiny animal, whose tail began to wag like mad with all the attention.

Johanna chuckled to herself as she made her way around, feeding the other animals. However, when she reached into one cage, the dog bit her on the hand.

Yelping in pain, she jumped back into the wall, hitting a big red button, A buzzer went off before every dog's cage simultaneously opened. It took the slow animals a moment to realize; freedom! The dogs ran amuck inside the room.

Johanna's heart was pounding; what to do? Thinking fast, she rushed to the door and carefully opened it.

"Attention everyone, we 'ave a situation right now, so I'm going to 'ave to ask everyone to please leave immediately!"

The customers nodded and a little boy complained as they walked out of the pet store. As soon as they were gone, Johanna pulled down the metal gate. And just in time as some smart little puppies pushed the door open. Soon the entire shop was filled with crazed dogs running wild.

Stumbling over Chihuahuas, she rushed to collect each dog and put them in their proper cages. Unfortunately, Johanna had little knowledge of dog breeds.

What luck! She spotted a poster of dog breeds on the wall! The whole process took almost two hours, but she got the dogs back into their cages. Exhausted, she began to clean up the mess they had made, when she heard a voice call from the gate.

"Hey, Jeanie, open the damn gate." came her boss's monotone voice. Hurrying, Johanna opened the gate.

"Sorry about that. How was your break?" The woman, holding a large soda walked inside.

"Whatever." She glanced around the shop. "Looks like you've kept things in order pretty darn well, trainee. I guess I can promote you to-"Her sentence cut off when she noticed the little Pomeranian who started it all scurry out from behind the fish tank shelves. "Who gave you permission to let the dogs out?"

Johanna stuttered. "I…didn't let the dogs out!"

"Then _who _let the dogs out?" It was then she noticed the same dog that had bitten Johanna on the hand cuddled up with a cat in a cage. "Whatever, Jillian. You're fired."

"But I-"

"Whatever." She brought a magazine up to her face and ignored Johanna as she stormed out of the pet shop.

Looking at her watch, she had about five hours before Anthony was coming to pick her up. _Shopping time! _

Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Victoria's Secret up ahead. Merrily she walked to it, but once she got inside and noticed two male employees that were placing thongs on the shelves, she turned on her heels and ran.

One of the employees looked behind him. "Was someone just there, Milord?"

"I don't know, Beadle. Some people are embarrassed about coming in here. I don't get why. Say, do you think this purple polka dot thong comes in my size?"

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**I DON'T OWN SWEENEY TODD, VICTORIA'S SECRET OR THE WHO LET THE DOGS OUT SONG! i do however own the plot and the cute little Pomeranian!**

**So what'd ya think? I was laughing so hard as i wrote the ending, and i will be as i write the next chapter! until then!**


	5. Chapter 5 Judge Turpin & Beadle Bamford

**Here goes a very...weird, to say the least...chapter of Odd Jobs! **

**I DO NOT OWN SWEENEY TODD, VICTORIA'S SECRET, OR PINK! **

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CHAPTER FIVE:

JUDGE TURPIN AND BEADLE BAMFORD

It was typical day in Victoria's Secret. Women were examining underwire bras. Some mothers were helping their daughters buy bras for the first time and some very embarrassed guys were shopping for their girlfriend's Christmas gift.

Beadle Bamford was busy unloading a new box of panties in the back. (Wait; didn't I say a typical day?) Humming to himself, he held up one by one the ladies undergarments to his face and stared at it before putting it in its proper place. Once he was done, he made his way out to the front (with lots of women staring at him in confusion) where his friend, Judge Turpin, was busy changing the front display. Right now, he was hooking a pink, lacey, D-cup bra around a mannequin.

"Milord, taking this job was the smartest choice we've ever made!" The Beadle said trying to hide the front of his pants from the customers.

The Judge finished with the mannequin. "I'll say it was!" He happily glanced around at all the pretty women that were shopping.

The Beadle, who had been eyeing the ladies as well, shifted uncomfortable on his feet. "Well I must be getting to the…bathroom…Milord; I need to…attend to…something…" And he rushed out.

Chuckling under his breath, the Judge assumed the swagger of a kind gentleman as he made his way to one of the customers: a young girl, about seventeen, who was unsurely browsing through some decorative everyday bras.

"Hello, may I help you?" The girl jumped at Turpin's deep voice. Looking at him from top to bottom, he didn't seem like the type who'd work in a lingerie store…for any good reason…She smiled gently.

"No, no. Just browsing!" The Judge continued to look at her.

"If you need any help, I can have someone take your measurements…" _Or I could do it myself…_ the perverted Judge thought gleefully.

The girl shrank back, still trying to seem casual. "No it's alright! Thank you though! Oh, I've really got to get going! bye!" She hurried out of the store, glancing over her shoulder…and of course she ended up running right into the Beadle, who only made her freak out more.

From one part of the store, their manager, Cali, shook her head simply. She had hired these men two weeks ago, but they were scaring away customers left and right. Though it pained her, she knew what she had to do. Sighing, she went over to them.

"Guys? Can I see you in the back room a moment, please?" she asked. The two men nodded and followed her.

"What's this all about, Cali?" the Beadle questioned. She opened her mouth to speak, with her two employees staring at her intensely. What could she say? Though these two were causing problems, it really wasn't their fault, and she didn't have the heart to fire them.

But now she was stuck, she had to say something. She said the first thing that came to her mind. "I…just wanted to say…you boys are doing such a great job, that I wanted to tell you about our new promotion!"

The Beadle and Judge exchanged confused glances. "A promotion, Madame?" The Judge questioned. "How come you're just telling us?

"Well it's going to just be our little secret and you two are doing an awesome job!" Cali lied with a wide smile.

"So what's the promotion?" The Beadle asked after a quiet moment.

"Oh yes! Um…whichever of you two comes up with the best design by the end of today…uh, gets a raise! Yeah, that's it! A raise and your designs will be shown in the upcoming fashion show!"

_Why the hell did I just do that? _Cali cursed herself in her mind. She made her way to a box of fabrics, ribbons, straps and such and placed it in front of them. "Use this and some of the stuff out front." _Anything to get them from breathing down the customers' necks. _The two men looked at each other, and then rushed out onto the floor. Turpin grabbed some plain bras, some bright pink ones and some purple ones with lace and then rushed to the back. The Beadle snatched up a handful of thongs in all different colors and a PINK robe before dashing to the back himself.

The Judge had already begun to cut up one of the pink bras and make stripes of the fabric, which he was planning on sewing to the plain white bras. He was also using the remainder material to attach pink polka dots to the purple lacey bras. After that he would mix and match hook and loops on the straps.

The Beadle began to cut up patches of the thongs in several colors and apply them to the ones still in tact, making rainbow ones. He was never good with a sewing machine and constantly tangled the thread. Eventually, however, he got on messed up looking rainbow thong completed and held it over his head triumphantly.

"I wonder if Victoria's Secret ever objected to having a gay pride line of undergarments?" he pondered out loud. The Judge's ears smoked.

_Dammit! Why does he have to have the good ideas? _Throwing down the bra had been working on, he went to snatch up some fabric that was stored back there and begun to work on a form fitting nighty. The design was in his mind: the fabric would be light pink with a corset down the front the straps would be silver and glittery. It would stop just below the woman's bottom and flow out into a ballerina-like skirt that had a silky, glittery silver fabric over the top of it.

The Beadle had had quite enough of this! Working with the PINK robe and the thongs, he worked on making the robe go from boring to totally amazing. He added fake white fir lining to outline it, glitter everywhere, and white patches to match the stuffed dog of the brand. He then went back to work on making matching thongs and bras.

Turpin noticed this and got angry. He stood up. "Why are you even trying? You know I'm going to win!"

"Oh, my lord, you know you're wrong there! My designs are far better than yours!"

"That's such a damn lie!"

"Let's see you put those second-hand bras where your mouth is!"

That did it. Suddenly, the air was filled with bras of every ridiculous style, size and color imaginable, thongs of the same nature, robes and night gowns. Beadle angrily grabbed a mannequin and pushed her across the room. Thankfully it didn't hit the judge, who was busy tossing the contents of a box of panties at his subordinate.

"Take THAT you colorblind good-for-nothing!"

"Well why don't you try THIS on for size, you sloppily-working lady-ogler!" Beadle tossed a box of bras at the Judge.

Needless to say, this went on for quite some time before Cali came to the back to announce closing time. It had been a particularly good day; more sales were made due to the Judge and Beadle keeping their distances from everyone.

She opened the door to the back. "Hey guys, time's up. Let's see what you- OH DEAR GOD!"

In front of her was a pile of lingerie. Emerging from that pile was Beadle Bamford with a bra strapped to him, and Turpin with a thong on his head. Looking at each other, embarrassed, they removed the undergarments and looked at their boss.

"I…he…we can explain…" the Judge said. Cali was too busy staring at the mess as she made her way to the mannequin, which stood in the midst of it all.

"Yes you'll have to explain…explain which of you came up with this design!" The mannequin was wearing the Judge's nighty. Cali carefully looked at it up and down before slipping the garment of for a closer look- and revealing the Beadle's gay pride rainbow thong and bra combo.

"Oh…er, those undergarments are my doing, ma'am!" the Beadle sputtered. The Judge stepped in front of him.

"And the nighty was my design!" he boasted proudly. Cali nodded.

"Excellent job, both of you! You know, I must say I had my doubts about you two when I gave you the promotion, but now I see what eye for color and shape you have! As of tomorrow, you both will be our official designers! I want you both to report to Victoria's Secret headquarters, bright and early! I'll email you the address!"

"…and what about the fashion show and the raise?" The judge reminded her with an upward twitch of his eyebrows.

"Done and done!" Cali said proudly. "You boys may go home now!"

Dazed, they both bid Cali goodnight as they stumbled out the store, covered in fabric bits.

"I say, Milord. There's Bath and Body Works. Shall we go design a perfume to go with our new line?"

The Judge nodded. "We shall!" The laced arms as they sauntered a few stores down to Bath and Body Works, where the scent of a strange concoction caught their nostrils and the sound of a thirteen year old boy singing caught their ears.

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**...nor do i own Bath and Body Works...looks like two more chapters, if i'm in the right mood they'll be sometime this weekend. Until then, R&R!**

**Merry Christmas to all, and to all...ah, to hell with it! Review...and happy holidays!**


	6. Chapter 6 Tobias Ragg

**So i only have one more chappie in this story. :(all well, R&R!**

CHAPTER SIX:

TOBIAS RAGG

Toby was seated at a little table, waving around a bottle of lotion that supposedly smoothed skin wrinkles while keeping those areas moist. However, despite his song to attract people, many customers just looked on and walked right past him as they left the Bath and Body Works that he worked at.

"Would you like to try a bottle, ma'am?" he addressed a passing customer of about forty seven. "Works in ten minutes, guaranteed!"

The woman looked at him strangely, then with a brief, "Oh, what the hell…" picked up the sample bottle and smudged some on her own cheek. She then glanced in the small mirror that was there at the area before taking a whiff of the air. "Mmm…that smells nice. Boy, what did you say this scent was?"

Toby smiled proudly. "Berry! I mixed Strawberry, raspberry and blueberry scents to create what you hold in your hand now!"

The woman sniffed the bottle. "Go less on the raspberry and you got a perfect mixture! Tell you what; I'll come back in ten minutes to see how my skin looks!" And with that she went to shop around.

The boy sat where he was for the next five minutes, playing around with his mixture, until he heard a raspy voice.

"Boy, what the hell did I tell you about mixing your own concoctions?" That voice belonged to Frank, Toby's managed, whose voice had gone rough from years of smoking. Tentatively, Toby looked up.

"I…I'm just trying out some n-new ideas, sir…" he said meekly. Frank laughed.

"And how good have your other ideas proven? Huh, boy? Remember the shampoo incident? Come on! We don't want any other travesties of our store!" He gathered up the bottles on Toby's table. "Now why don't we stop these crazy things and get back to stocking shelves?"

Toby felt horrible. It was then that the lady form earlier came back, a hand over her cheek. "Boy, you said that stuff would work in ten minutes, right?" He nodded, nervously. "Well it's been five and I happened to glance in a mirror…" She took her hand away. Her skin was as smooth as a baby's arse. Toby smiled wide and Franks' jaw dropped.

The woman eyed her cheek in the mirror. "This stuff works like magic! I'll take a bottle! Heck, I'll take four!" As she reached into her purse, Toby grabbed the bottle back from his astonished boss' arms. She gave him the money and he gave her the bottles. It was a good price; $5.00 a bottle! The woman thanked Toby many times before leaving the store.

Frank eyed the $20 in Toby's hand. He couldn't believe his mediocre employee sold something of his own mixture. As another customer, who had seen the whole thing, came up to the stand, he knew that Toby would get much recognition for inventing this mixture! It was then that he made up his mind to steal Toby's recipe.

In just an hour after selling his first bottle, Toby had sold a good 120 bottles of the magical wrinkle cream! The money box that he had by his side was overfilling and his legs were cramping up from little use. He needed a break; that was for sure!

Standing up on his chair and facing the crowd, he declared, "Everyone, I need to take a short break! But don't worry; I'll be back in twenty minutes to sell more!"

Some people groaned as he hopped off his chair, locked up his money box and brought it to the back, along with his stock. Then, whistling, he went out of the store to go get a big pretzel and a soda.

Frank, meanwhile, saw his chance.

Once Toby was completely out of the store, he went into the back room, where Toby had stored the money- and the bottles- inside the box.

The box was metal with a sturdy combo lock on it. There was no way Frank was finding his way inside easily! First he tried opening the lock to see if it was set. No such luck. Then he tried a couple of random guesses. Why was he wasting precious time with that? He then pulled out a random stethoscope and tried the old listening-to-the-tumblers-in-the-lock routine. When _that _didn't work, he tossed the stethoscope off to the side and took out a screwdriver and tried to pry off the face of the lock.

When the screwdriver comically broke in half, Frank threw it down in frustration. After many classic attempts to get the box open, it was then that he heard Toby whistling as he made his way back to the shop. Hurriedly, Frank disposed of his broken screw driver, stethoscope, flame thrower, power tools and lock pick kit.

Toby placed the half-eaten pretzel and cup of soda on his table, and then went to retrieve the money box.

He made his way to the back. Frank was standing nearby, his hair messy, and his eyes bloodshot. "'ey, Frank! I'm back!" Cupping the lock in his hand, he turned it ever so slightly to the right, and then pulled it open.

Like it had earlier, Frank's jaw dropped. Toby didn't seem to notice as he made his way back to the front.

"Alright, Toby's Miracle Wrinkle Cream is now-" And he had a line of middle-aged women in front of table, each shouting and waving money at him.

Frank was bewildered! How could this scrawny little boy attract all this attention with a simple product? Now he _really _had to know!

When the clock reached 5:00 and Toby announced closing time, Frank stood by and watched as he packed up his stand, his eyes focused on the money more than anything.

Shortly, Mrs. Lovett sauntered into the shop. "'ello, lovie!" she greeted her adoptive son as she kissed him on the forehead. "Ready to go?"

"Just a moment, mum! I need to put today's profits away!" Mrs. Lovett eyed the over-flowing money box. Her eyes widen.

"You may all that in one day?" Toby nodded as she embraced him. "Well, what can I say? I've taught you well!"

They both laughed together until Toby felt a tug at his pant leg. Confused, he looked down to find Frank on his knees.

"Tobias, please!" the manager begged. "I must know your secret! Please tell me!"

The boy looked at Mrs. Lovett who looked absolutely confused. Finally he looked back at his weeping manager.

"The secret ingredient…" he whispered. "Is vinegar…" He tugged on Mrs. Lovett's arm and they left the shop.

Once they were out of ear-shot, Mrs. Lovett asked. "Don't you think it's slightly foolish; telling 'im your secret?"

"Oh, don't worry, mum. I was only bluffing!" She smiled at her boy and laughed. "Now come on…the fashion show's at 6:00; I don't want to be late!"

"Aw, mum. Do I 'ave to go?"

Back in the shop, Frank pulled himself to his feet. "Vinegar…it's _vinegar!_"

Over at the cash-register, a grey-haired cashier with a Scottish brogue said, "I'm not surprised. I use it in all my recipes!"

Frank eyed her strangely as he stumbled out the door of the shop, off to get some vinegar.

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**If anyone can name the vinegar reference, tell me in reviews and i'll give you a shout-out in the last chapter.**

**oh my god...one last silly chapter :( wahh!**


	7. Chapter 7 Finale READ IF YOU DARE!

**Shout out to my best friend MollyWHOAFTW, who got the reference last chapter! and for reviewing!**

CHAPTER SEVEN:

FINALE/READ IF YOU DARE

Sweeney Todd eyed the scene before him; flashing lights, rave music, and stick-thin women in underwear. Not exactly his type of thing, but Mrs. Lovett had promised him if he went with her, she wouldn't bother him for a full 24 hours. (And did he ever need those 24 hours of privacy from her!)

Walking around before finding his seat, he happened to notice two figures sitting in the front row; two figures who, even from the back, seemed oddly familiar.

Turpin! And the Beadle! What the hell were they doing-?

Sweeney stopped his thoughts right there and guessed what the two perverts were doing.

"Mr. Todd!" came an overly cheery voice from behind him. The barber turned around to find Mrs. Lovett coming at him with Toby behind her. Why in hell she brought a thirteen year old boy to a Victoria's secret fashion show was way beyond him.

A wide smile on her face, the baker took a seat next to her neighbor, right before the doors burst open again and Anthony rushed in, Johanna in tow.

"Mr. Todd!" he cried. "Johanna said she saw the judge at the mall when she-"

Sweeney held up his hand and then pointed at the Judge and Beadle in their seats. Johanna's eyes went wide and hid behind Anthony.

Luckily for them, the light dimmed and the music started as the MC came out. The gang took their seats as the first models came out.

"Introducing, Victoria's Secrets' new designers, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the team of Turpin and Bamford!"

The two men stood up in their seats while a spotlight came on them and applause thundered. In their seats a few rows back, the barber and the baker rolled their eyes. Just then a scrawny little model came out (yes all the models are pretty thin, but she stood out). Her hair was dirty blond, and that meant in her case blond with dirt in it, and her face looked like it had seen better days. She was wearing Beadle Bamford's gay pride bra and thongs.

Lucy Barker was strutting her stuff down the catwalk.

Mrs. Lovett bit her lip nervously, hoping Sweeney wouldn't notice who she was. With all her might, she tried not to turn towards him to see his reaction. There was nothing worse than and angry Sweeney.

Swallowing, she stole a glance at Sweeney's confused face. Sure enough, there was something familiar about her to him. He was eyeing the women from top to bottom.

"Mrs. Lovett, I don't know about you…but she looks just like-"

Thankfully, a distraction came out onto the catwalk. "Mr. T! Look!"

Adolfo Pirelli, Sweeney's rival barber, came out onto the catwalk, clad only in Turpin's designer nighty. He walked with swagger, attitude and pride.

Johanna shrieked. Anthony gasped. Mrs. Lovett tried to cover Toby's eyes. Toby promptly removed her hands from his face.

The barber had a wide smile on his. Forget the judge and that familiar model, this moment was _priceless! _He went over to one of the photographers and snatched up his camera.

"Hey!" exclaimed the photographer. "Who the hell do you think you are?" Sweeney paused to look at him.

"I'm Sweeney Todd. Find me on Facebook…." He raised the camera to his face. "…because that's where these pictures are going to be by the end of the day!" And he began clicking away at the camera.

**THE END**

**Yeah i'm sad too...**

**PLEASE REVIEW! IDK WHY I STILL HAVE TO REMIND YOU PEOPLE!**

**But thanks to the people who HAVE reviewed!**

**~love and hugs,**

**NellieTodd**


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